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There is nothing wrong with being vocal during sex, and many women would probably have more satisfying sex lives if they took a leaf out of your book, but the fact that it is putting your partner off his stride is a problem. Your approach to this issue has been to try to get your partner to do what you do, but that is not going to work for a very obvious reason: a man who doesn’t appreciate having a vocal partner is hardly going to feel comfortable giving instructions himself.
Learning how to accommodate differences is a central challenge in any relationship, and the best way to do that is to try to understand the situation from each other’s perspective. Start by thinking through all the reasons your partner might not like the present dynamic. There could be any number of explanations. If he is not very confident or is unsure of himself, direct feedback might make him feel very self-conscious. Your new partner’s previous sexual history may also have led him to expect a different kind of experience. If he has never been with a woman who is vocal about her sexual needs, he may not be used to the way you communicate, and he might feel unsure about how to respond.
Some men tie their sexual confidence to their ability to know what to do instinctually. If your new partner is used to taking the lead in bed, being guided might make him feel like he is giving up control. If he associates sex with spontaneity, over-explaining might take him out of the moment.
Alternatively, lots of people just prefer to be quiet when they are making love. Silence allows them to be “in the moment”. It heightens awareness and makes the senses more acute. When a person is lost in a sensual experience, listening to a partner giving them step-by-step instructions can break the spell.
You should also think about what you are trying to achieve by being vocal in bed. If it is about making sure that you get your sexual needs met, maybe you don’t need to tell him every time. Perhaps a “see one, do one, teach one” approach might work better: show him how you like to be pleasured, then take the stabilisers off and trust that he has the tools he needs to do it all by himself.
Although you interpret your approach as a sign of self-confidence, talking a lot during sex can actually be a sign of anxiety. If you find it hard to stop giving advice even when you know that it is not appreciated, it might be worth reflecting on whether talking helps you to stay in control, avoid vulnerability, or fill what feels like an awkward silence.
Finally, remember that difference does not have to cause strife – it can create erotic tension. We are often drawn to qualities we don’t have ourselves, so if you’re vocal and direct and your partner is more reserved, it can make your sexual interactions less predictable. You can use that dynamic to increase rather than undermine chemistry. If you can navigate this with good grace and humour, rather than a determination to make him more like you, there is no reason why this difference should be considered a fundamental incompatibility.
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